The Reason There Hasn’t Been a Podcast in 2 Months

by

Find out why there hasn’t been a podcast in an insanely long amount of time after the jump…

Monkey Spouse

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Zach’s cell phone rang.  He hurriedly forced his hand into his pocket and withdrew the device.  The cell phone screen said “Karl.”  He answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Alright, cool.”

The conversation ended and Zach returned his cell phone to his pants.  He sat petting his cats while he waited for Karl’s car to appear before his house.  Soon “a minute” turned into five minutes.

“God dammit, Karl.  I wish he’d be more precise.”

Just as he was about to withdraw to the kitchen for a drink of water, Karl pulled up.  Zach left his house and got into the Kar, as he likes to refer to it.

“Hey Karl.”

“Hey man, what’s up?”

Karl seemed happy, but Zach could tell how much he resented having to pick him up every time they podcasted.  And yet he never said anything about having to pick up Shane.

“So how’s life been treating you, Karl?”

“Oh, you know, this and that.  So what’s up Zach, I haven’t seen you in ages?”

He had seen Zach on Friday, but his head was in a different place.  This didn’t bode well for the podcast.  In no time they were in front of Shane’s house, but Shane didn’t come out when they pulled up, as Shane is wont to do.  This would cue Karl and Zach’s weekly argument about honking.  Karl thought it was rude, but Zach thought it was just a social necessity.  Karl refused, so Zach had to exit the car and walk up to Shane’s porch.  Of course, the moment he got there Shane popped out of the house, rendering Zach’s trek useless.

“Hey Shane.”

“Hey Zach.”

They walked awkwardly back to the car.  It was a primarily non-vocal car ride, with the radio blasting.  When they pulled up, Karl did his weekly dance in which he debates whether or not to park on Mike’s lawn.  It always ends with him deciding to.  As they got out, Karl dropped a bombshell.

“Guys, I have to mow my grandfather’s lawn at 4, so this can’t be long.”

“Oy, fine,” said Zach.

“Zach, I’m telling you, that’s not a good ‘oy,’” said Shane.

When they got to the porch, the screen was shut but they could see into the house.  They looked at each other in confusion and decided to enter.  They produced scattered “Hellos” as they did so, not wanting to alarm Mike’s family.  When they entered, they saw Mike’s sister on the couch.

“He’s downstairs,” she said.

Following her directive, they walked to the stairs and went down into Mike’s basement.  There, Mike was fiddling with his latest contraption.

“Guys, I’ve hooked up this record player to my ceiling fan, to which I’ve attached lava lamps to every wing, so whenever you play a record the fan turns on and the lava lamps light up.  I was gonna put in Dark Side of the Moon later and put on The Brave Little Toaster in my ceiling TV.  Wanna join me?”

“Dude, that’ll be sweet,” said Shane.

“Awesome!” said Karl.

Zach wasn’t going to be having any of this fun, as a certain something was being hinted at that he steered away from like the product of D.A.R.E. he is.

“Okay,” said Karl.  “Let’s get down to business.”

“Mike, hook me up,” said Zach.

Mike handed him his increasingly tiny laptop.

“Alright guys, so how about some topics?” asked Zach innocently.

“TOPICS??????!!!!!!!!  TOPICS??????!!!!!!” shouted Karl as he angrily gesticulated.

“I agree,” declared Shane.  “TOPICS?????!!!!!”

“I—I was just suggesting—”

“HOW DARE YOU SAY WE COME UP WITH TOPICS!!!” exclaimed Karl.

“TOPICS ARE THE TOOLS OF THE DEVIL!!!!” said Shane.

Mike was silent, but Zach could feel his venom.

“But if we don’t come up with topics the podcast will be aimless and bad…it always happens!”

Karl trotted out his age-old defense.  “NO!!!  THE PODCAST SHOULD NOT HAVE TOPICS!!!  THAT WAY WE CREATE A FREEFORM DIALOGUE THAT ISN’T STRUCTURED AND IS AN INFORMATIVE AND INTERESTING DISCUSSION ON A WIDE RANGE OF SPONTANEOUS TOPICS!!!”

“No, we need to have set topics, otherwise we end up with long silences when no one can think of anything to talk about!  It’s fine if the discussion leads us astray on a tangent, but when that doesn’t happen we waste our listeners’ time!  You don’t want that, do you?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“You’re going to ruin the podcast!”

“You’re too controlling!”

“You’re a communist!”

“You’re a libertarian!”

They both had much to be ashamed of.

“Alright, guys, calm down, can we just podcast?” interjected Shane.

Sigh, fine,” said Zach.

“Good,” said Shane.

As Zach reclined, he started typing up a secret list of topics on Mike’s laptop which he would surprise them with during the podcast.  They’d have no choice but to go along.

“Alright,” said Mike.  “And podcasting in 3…2…1…”

“Hey, guys, and welcome to the Noise from the Basement podcast.  I’m Karl.”

“I’m Shane.”

“I’m Zach.”

“And I’m Mike.”

Mike had said his final words for the podcast.

“Okay,” began Karl.  “This week we’ve got some exciting things to talk about, but first, Mr. Waldman.  Just putting that out there.”

“Nice,” said Shane.

“Alright, the big thing in the news this week is swine flu.”

“Those fucking pigs, man…” said Shane.

“I know…seriously, what the fuck, pigs?” said Karl.

The conversation continued inanely like this until…

“Well, that’s enough about flu,” said Karl.  “Anything else anyone wants to talk about?”

“So your precious segues have failed you?” asked Zach.

“Oh shut up.”

“Well, we can talk about the new Animal Collective CD.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty awesome,” said Karl.

“I love the song ‘My Girls,’” said Shane.

Zach proceeded to deliver a rambling exultation of the greatness of Merriweather Post Pavilion until Karl stopped him.

“Alright, that’s great Zach.”

“It is great, it’s dandy.”

That was half as clever as Zach though it would be.

Things proceeded as usual for about an hour and fifteen minutes, until suddenly…

BOOM!

The door to Mike’s basement blew open!  No one could see anything as smoke filled the room.  Eventually it started to clear, and there, standing by the podcast equipment, was none other than…

“Ethan?”

“That’s right Mike!  It is I, Ethan of Ohio!”

“Ethan?  What the hell are you doing here?”  Shane was confused.  It would be safe to say they were all confused.

“Ever since the ElCycle chat fizzled out, you guys have completely ignored me.  Not once did you call or write or twitter or anything!  You could have had me on the podcast as a guest – via Skype of course – but did you even ask?”

“We—we never thought—”

“Shut up Shane!  Be quiet while I’m speaking!”

“I’m Karl…”

“But Ethan – I’ve spoken with you…”

“That’s right Famicoman, you have.  But still, come on man, did you ever even ask if I’d like to be on a podcast?  I didn’t even know you were podcasting again until I randomly googled ‘noise from the basement’ and found it on the third page of results!”

“Really, third page?  That’s not too bad,” said Zach.

“SILENCE!!!  And it was near the bottom…”

“Well, anyway, you’re on the podcast now, since we didn’t stop recording,” offered Zach.

“No, I made Mike stop recording forty minutes ago, the conversation had gotten too boring,” said Karl.

“Oh,” said Zach, hurt that no one would get to hear him talk for ten minutes about the Animal Collective song “Fireworks.”

“Well, now we’re going to record Noise from the Basement Podcast #5, with me as the guest!” said Ethan.

“Oh, come on man, we do not have two podcasts in us today,” said Shane.

“I don’t care!  I’ll do most of the speaking!  Now let’s start!  Come up with some topics!” said Ethan.

“No, come on man, we don’t do topics,” said Karl.

“TOPICS!!!!!” screamed Ethan.  Zach felt special.

“Um…I can’t think of anything we didn’t just discuss,” said Shane.

“We’ll talk about Swine Flu,” said Ethan.

“No Ethan, we just talked about that, for like, half an hour,” said Karl.

“Talk about it again!” said Ethan.  Ethan then slapped Karl around a bit with a large trout.

“Um…I haven’t talked about any songs from Animal Collective’s Sung Tongs on the podcast yet,” offered Zach.  “I give ‘Who Could Win a Rabbit’ a 9.3.”

“Stop reading Pitchfork, Zach!” said Karl.

“Uh, Karl, do you have any new shoelace designs?” asked Shane.

“Oh yeah, I figured out how to arrange them so the left shoe shows the notes to Radiohead’s ‘No Surprises’ and the right shoe has Sigur Rós’ ‘Untitled #3.’”

“Sweet, you could talk about how you did that,” said Shane.

“Alright,” said Ethan.  “There’s a festival in Ohio where I live that happened two days ago and I’d love to talk about that.”

“Uh…sure,” said Zach.

“Okay, let’s begin,” said Ethan.

“Hold on,” said Mike as he went over to the podcast equipment.  “And podcasting in 3…2…1…”

Karl began.  “Hey guys, and wel—”

“Hey everybody!  This is the Noise from the Basement podcast with me, your host, Ethan!  Joining me are Karl, Shane, Zach, and Mike!”

“Hey—”

Zach was cut off.  “We have so much to talk about this week!  So, two days ago there was a town festival where I live.  Me and my friend Danny went together.  It was really fun.”

“God, why are we fucking doing this?” asked Karl.

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, we’re not doing this,” said Shane.

“I came all the way out here from OHIO!!!!”

“Well, it was a wasted trip,” said Shane.

“Mike?  Are you a part of this mutiny?”

Mike shrugged.

“DAMN IT ALL!  FINE!  BE THAT WAY!”

Ethan threw Mike’s laptop on the floor and ran away.

“Hey!  What the fuck?  He just smashed my laptop!”

“Jesus, what an asshole,” said Karl.

“Well, there goes our entire afternoon, since the both podcasts were on that hard drive,” said Mike.

And that’s why there hasn’t been a podcast in two months.

THE END

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One Response to “The Reason There Hasn’t Been a Podcast in 2 Months”

  1. Ethan Says:

    I just now noticed this.

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